Type A Dangers
There are a couple of dangers on the path to recovery from Type A trauma that we should warn you about. The first is this: you may need others to provide for you what was missing, but be careful about your expectations. God is really the one providing for you, and He will bring the right people into your life to fill those roles. It’s not healthy to expect your husband, for example, to fill the role of a father in your life. It’s also not healthy to expect someone who has not received proper validation for themselves, to be able to offer you the validation you’re looking for. So while these things may come from other people, the one you should seek for these things is God and God alone. He will provide for you, whether directly or through a human relationship.
Now it is healthy to discuss these things with those who are close to you and can be trusted (like your spouse), as that can help them understand how to help you or at least to have grace for you as you heal. But when you carry unhealthy expectations of people to fill a void or a need in your own life, you and the other person will end up even more hurt and disappointed.
The second danger we want to warn you about is in thinking that there’s not enough to go around. This one is so closely tied to Type A trauma, because when you don’t get what you need, it just makes sense to think that there’s not enough. When you don’t think there’s enough, you can become very possessive. You begin taking whatever you can at the expense of others and you even withhold from others. Love is a good example of this: “Well, so and so loves that other person, so they couldn’t also love me.” And then you become jealous, right? You get offended if you spouse wants to hang out with their friends. You complain about your coworkers to make yourself look better in front of your boss. You get angry when someone else succeeds or is recognized for something and you aren’t.
We can do the same thing with our money, with our food, with our praise, or with our time, but then who is really providing all of those for you in the first place? Is it you? Is it your spouse? Is it a parent? Is it an inheritance? Or is it really God? Because when God is your provider, there is always enough.
The last warning we will give you about Type A trauma also applies to Type B, and is critical for your walk with God and with other people. When we’ve been hurt deeply by someone significant in our lives, we can easily make generalizations about others based on our experience. “All men are pigs . . . ,” “People my age don’t like me . . . ,” “I’ll never get married—no one will ever love me . . . ,” “Anyone in authority is only out for their own good . . . .”
Because one experience (or a series of experiences) speaks so loudly to us, we start to believe that it will happen again and again and again—that either the problem is in us, or that this is just how life is and we’d better get used to it. Either viewpoint leads to a miserable existence, and leads us to put up walls between us and everyone we know so that we can keep those experiences from repeating themselves.
It is true that trauma can happen because of our own bad decisions, or because of unhealthy expectations, or even with no one to blame (like a natural disaster), but aside from these things, think for a moment that perhaps—just perhaps—your trauma was the result of another specific person’s inability to cope with their own trauma, and that your experience does not represent the norm.
This is a big risk, we know. With every relationship, you risk getting hurt again, and if you expect to be hurt, you probably will be. But looking for the best in every relationship, and trusting God to guide your relationships and even to let you hurt in the midst of them, you will find healing. The enemy is a thief and a liar, but God will restore to you abundantly what the devil stole from you, and you can count on that, in time, as you continue your journey to freedom.